The ‘Too Comfortable’ Stage in Any Relationship

Whether it’s just the occasional shag or a full blown relationship, there is an unspoken line drawn between what is acceptable and what is not when in the presence of your favourite member of the opposite sex. For example, you may not poo in your partner’s en suite if they can hear the plops. You may not eat with your mouth open or with your hands, pick your nose, scratch your bum or just generally relax in their company. Yet in any long term relationship, there comes a point where you both think ‘fuck it’, and embrace those qualities which you have kept coyly hidden up until now...

Farting

We all need to fart occasionally. At first, you hold them in with all the anal strength you can muster, but at some point you both know that one of you is going to laugh too hard or sneeze, and that when this dreaded moment arrives your relationship will never be the same again.

Going To the Loo on the Phone To/In Front of Each Other

Admittedly, a poo is a lot further into the deep dark abyss of the ‘too comfortable’ than a quick wee, yet nevertheless these moments mark the beginning of a new, not-so-exciting stage in your relationship, where the need to appear sexy in front of each other dissolves and is replaced with a more desperate need to share your toilet habits with your unlucky partner.

Offering to Squeeze Each Other’s Spots

Not as frequent, but it does happen. This is much, much further along the line than the farting barrier, and many couples may not even last long enough to reach this moment, but if you do you may aswell get married because you have undoubtedly reached the point of no return.

Being Closer to the Other Half’s Family than the Other Half Themselves

When you break up, you find yourself pining not for your ex, but for his or her mum, dad, baby brother or older sister. Bonding with the family reaches a new level when you and your lover start burping, farting, cursing and weeing in each other’s presence, as you find comfort in spending time with their family just as much as spending time with them.

These are just a few of those special moments which, whilst signifying the start of something beautiful, can also be very traumatic if one or both of the partners aren’t ready for them to happen (this is particularly an issue with farting, as the first time it happens it is usually an unfortunate accident). So reaching the ‘too comfortable’ stage around the same time is particularly important, in order to maintain a clearly already-successful relationship.  Any long lasting partnership is bound to cross some of these barriers at some point, and when that moment comes, the only advice is to be ready. So good luck to you all from the both of us, and I’d  just like to point out that we haven’t yet reached all these stages that I’ve listed, although we’re getting pretty bloody close. 

When Drinking Games Turn Bad

We’ve all been there. Pre drinks are going well, and you’re feeling pretty optimistic about your night out. You haven’t flashed your arse or chundered on your lap yet, and no one is showing signs that they will be acting as a liability; so far so good. And then some nutter suggests you all play a drinking game. Although yes, drinking games are a brilliant way to get suitably smashed and thus not waste money on drinks when out, no one thinks of the consequences of sharing their lives with a bunch of strangers or agreeing to do terrible challenges that can result in immediate projectile vomiting. Here are a couple of the worst drinking games which I have had the misfortune of partaking in recently...

‘I’ve Never’

Okay, yes, sometimes this game can be thrilling. There is no feeling quite like the pure joy each and every player feels when they discover that the quietly adorable and seemingly harmless nerdy girl from their seminar is in fact a mad kinky sex fiend. But revealing your sexual exploits (and, let’s face it, that is what this game is truly about) to a random group of drunkards at pre drinks may not make you seem as smooth as you think you are. In this game, it’s always the same: the sluts get drunk, and everyone else feels awkward. And drinking at every turn doesn’t make you cool or alluring; instead, listing all the woodland locations that you’ve shagged in may lead your peers to believe (and perhaps rightly) that you have had many a fungal infection in your nether regions. And don’t doubt that, if revealing your sexual conquests, next time you play ‘I’ve Never’, one of these people will remember and aim their turn directly at you, embarrassing you in front of the next group of friends you happen to be drinking with. So be aware that sharing too much specific personal information may end tragically when someone takes their turn by staring pointedly at you, smirking, and proudly yelling ‘I’ve never been butt-fingered against a bin outside McDonalds when I was fifteen by my mono-browed neighbour whose name was Hamish’.

‘Truth or Dare’

Maybe it’s just my weird housemates and I that have decided to bring this game back with a bang (not literally, that’s incest), but ‘Truth or Dare’ can certainly not end prettily if taken to the extremes. It’s also not really a drinking game, but more for giggling thirteen year olds in the school playground. However, we drunkenly decided to give this game a go, having tired of the endless stream of sexual confessions which constitutes ‘I’ve Never’. What followed was: a text to a long distance girlfriend simply claiming ‘Horny.’, a discussion of the sizes of various penises, a  kiss between two heterosexual men (one of whom had innocently just arrived at the pre, and was not consenting at all...sorry Morgan), a snort of a line of basil, a shot of the hottest chilli vodka (aftertaste lasting approximately 15 minutes), and a consumption of a scary squeezy cheesy substance called Primula that we got free at the uni about two months ago. Although with close friends none of these antics were too emotionally damaging (although I'm pretty certain that a few of my taste buds were burnt off by the vodka), playing ‘Truth or Dare’ among strangers could without a doubt end in some kind of basil-fuelled catastrophe if and when someone takes things a step too far.

So I think it’s safe to say that, although I don’t regret my involvement in these games in the last week of university, I am glad to be taking a break from all the trauma of pre drinks, both mentally, from the images of my housemates in various sexual scenarios, and physically, as I am secure in the knowledge that my parents will not force me to down some questionable squeezy cheese at Christmas dinner.

Well, It's Bean Fun...

Some of you may have been wondering what has become of the Great Beans Tragedy of 2012. You may be asking yourselves if I have managed to move on from this major setback, if I succeeded in gaining any compensation, or if Heinz simply ignored my email, believing it to be a piss-take (although I don’t see why they would think that at all). You may even be wondering if I still eat beans, or if I have turned into some weird kind of vegetarian-who-eats-meat-but-not-baked-beans type creature, or something equally as horrendous and complicated.

My Happy Ending

Thankfully, the end of this story is a happy and uplifting one, and I feel like you all deserve the same sense of closure and the ultimate satisfaction that I gained, through my depiction of the events that occurred after I sent that fateful email (if you still don’t know what I’m talking about, see below). Chloe (I think her and I are on first name terms now) responded to my email asking for the product code. I replied with the product code. A simple transaction, yet little did I know how life changing it would be. Her response to my saucy product code email was delivered yesterday through the post. At first excited at the prospect of simply receiving mail, I then reluctantly opened the formal letter, expecting it to be another depressing bill, listing countless McDonalds purchases and horrible drinks from horrible clubs I’d never remember buying or going to. Yet I was pleasantly surprised to find the glorious yet simplistic letter you see to the right of your screen. Being my badass self, I had taken the risk of reading what I thought to be a bill just as I was leaving the house for pre-drinks, and Chloe Anderson, I thank you, because your beautiful words heavily influenced the beginning of a great celebratory night out. 

So what happens next?

After redeeming my very generous £3 voucher, and having the luscious cooked breakfast that should have been (yes, so maybe it is a week late, but better late than never!), I may frame Chloe’s letter to commemorate this momentous occasion. I just want to thank you all for your support, and wish you all a Merry bloody Christmas, I hope it’s full of beans (but not at Christmas lunch, I’m not a total maniac). 

A Quest for Free Beans

Sometimes bad things happen. Like that simple yet unforgettable tragic moment when your favourite and most reliable source of nutrition lets you down. If you experience the shocking anti climax of when your beans are only two thirds full (and I sincerely hope you never have to), you've just got to pick your hungover self up off the floor and see the potentially positive outcome of a truly terrible start to a cooked breakfast. You've got to sit down, and you've got to start actually using your English degree, for the greater good. Make change happen. And attempt to get free beans...

Dear Heinz,

I am a big fan of your baked beans. In fact, I am such a huge fan that on a recent visit to my university (University of Leeds), my mother brought me a four pack of beans as an early Christmas present, because she knows how often I eat them. On Saturday 1^st December, my flatmates and I decided to indulge in a cooked breakfast. I contributed the baked beans (and of course, it had to be Heinz). However, we were sorely disappointed when we opened the can of beans and it was only two thirds full. This was not enough for our cooked breakfast. I have photos of the can before we poured the beans out, and I know the product number if you need it. Please respond and let me know if you want me to send you the pictures as evidence, as I was really disappointed with this product, and it may affect my choice of baked beans in the future. I have been loyal to Heinz for all of my nineteen years now, and I was extremely dissatisfied with this particular product, as the can was only just over half full (not half empty though, I’m still a positive person). I look forward to your response.

Regards,

Victoria Karpinski